the hartsteins

There is something that God has been asking me to do for a long time, and I keep saying, "no" - somewhat from fear, mostly to sort some things out. But everytime I say no, it hits me that I just disobeyed God. So I return to him humbly and tell him how sorry I am and ask for His forgiveness. And what I feel him saying is, "OK, but I still want you to do this". And then I say, "no - I just can't, Abba". It turns into a vicious cycle. I was so sick of disobeying that I just stopped talking with God about it. And when He would bring it up, I would change the subject. But He's brought it up again. And it's time I said, "Yes, Lord". I've been so stupid and foolish for having said no in the first place. I remember telling myself in the past, "I will never tell God 'no' - not ever, no matter how hard it is to say 'yes'". And when I found myself in that situation, what did I do? I said, "no". Mulled it over, yes. Took it into great consideration, yes. But then decided the risk was just too great - regardless of how much God whispered to my heart, "you need to just trust me". I'm tired of it, and I truly believe that it has robbed me of peace. Not all of my peace and joy - but a good chunk of it. And I am going to claim it back. I want to honor God. I don't want there to be a single thing wedged between me and God. Even if it means doing what's hard, just because He's asking me.

Pray for the Lord to give me strength.